Bridgey Speaks

On Monday, the kickboxing teacher started the class by telling us of her “just say no” campaign. “Remember, just say no…to Halloween candy.”

She explained that you burn 600 calories during the 1 hour class, but you can negate that with just 3 pieces of Halloween candy. This explains why I’m getting better at kickboxing but not actually losing any weight. (That’s right, I managed to do the step behind/kick thing without falling over for once. How’s that for progress?)

Sigh. I KNEW I shouldn’t have bought Halloween candy at Target when I was hungry. We cannot possibly need 6 bags of assorted goodness (did I mention the Kit Kats?), for approximately 8 trick-or-treaters. Next year I have to buy something I don’t like.

She was also not accepting pumpkin (or any flavor of) ice cream or alcoholic beverages as an acceptable substitute…

I get this every so often via email, and it’s too fun not to share and have here to look back at. I imagine the Cat Diary being read in Stewie’s voice.

The Dog’s Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with my people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat’s Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about
what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now…

I was proofing a document and found the following mistake. I had typed the word:

“phenotypoes”

I find this hilarious for at least two reasons.

1. It’s a typo in which the mistake I made added the word “typo” to another word.
2. The idea of a phenotypo is funny.

That’s right. I am both a writing nerd and a science nerd. I’m tired and hungry. I’m allowed this bit of twisted humor.