Bridgey Speaks

The other day our office had a holiday lunch at a lovely place in the Strip District downtown. We were doing a white elephant gift exchange at this party, and we were all to bring $10 fun/funny presents.

I left early with a co-worker to take all the presents to the restaurant and set things up. There were at least a dozen gifts, but between the two of us, we figured out a good scheme for getting them to the car in one trip. We loaded the presents in her trunk, and we were off.

Once we parked the car, we went to the trunk to gather all the presents to take inside. We again arranged things in our arms just so. As she closed the trunk, my coworker said, “That was easy.” As I nodded in agreement, one of the presents repeated her: “That was easy.”

We stopped cold and stared at each other. “Um.” And we burst out laughing.

As we were walking from the car to the restaurant, she said she had seen these toy parrots at Cracker Barrel that would repeat what you said to them. We decided to test the theory. She held up the bag we suspected, and I loudly said, “Hello!?” at it. Nothing. We figured maybe it was too loud out on the street.

So while we were waiting for our table, we started talking to all of the presents, when the wait staff wasn’t looking, of course. “Hello,” I said to the snowman-wrapped box. “Hello,” she said to the bag with the frog on it (creative wrapping is also encouraged). Nothing.

We were totally stumped and figured we would just know and share a look when the secret was revealed. Either that, or we decided it was just a bridge troll.

Not quite half way through the gift exchange, someone chose the bag with the frog on it. She pulled out a book and a mouse pad. Then she pulled out an Easy Button and pushed it: “That was easy.”

Our eyes got huge and we started cracking up! What are the chances of that exact timing — that we would bump the button and make it talk right after those words were spoken?

As a bonus, I was relieved that no bridge trolls were following us.

I’m sitting here watching t.v. post doggie walk, waiting for Dave to get back from the hardware store. I’m eating my scone, flipping through the guide, and I see 30-Minute Meals with Rachel Ray. Everybody raves about her, so I click on that. Well, there’s about a minute and a half left on Emeril’s show. So I take a big bite of scone and sit back.

He’s chopping some parsley, a “nice neutral herb” and puts it on a dish he’s just created. He says something along the lines of “It doesn’t get better than this: traditional chicken and goat lips.”

I nearly choked on my scone. Did he say GOAT LIPS? Then he repeated himself: Chicken and Dumplings. *Sigh of relief.*

Sorry Emeril, my mistake.

I received this via email today…

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation–just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from federal government employee performance evaluations.

1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.”

2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”

3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”

4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

5. “When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”

6. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

7. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

8. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

9. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better.”

10. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.”

11. “A gross ignoramus–144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

12. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”

14. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”

15. “He’s been working with glue too much.”

16. “He would argue with a signpost.”

17. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

18. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”

19. “If you see two people talking, and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

20. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”

21. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”

22. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

23. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

24. “He’s got two brains cells: one is lost, and the other is out looking for it.”

25. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

26. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

27. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

28. “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”

29. “One neuron short of a synapse.”

30. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”

31. “Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes.”

32. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

On Monday night, Dave and I got to have dinner with Kristan who is visiting from California. (Conveniently for us, she has family in Latrobe.)

We went to Don Pablo’s for some Mexican, where we had a rather intense server. She was quite nice but also very intense for a chain Mexican restaurant on a Monday night. Since Dave’s never been to a DP, she gave us a rather extensive “tour” of the menu that went on for several minutes.

Kristan wasn’t feeling well, but if laughter truly is the best medicine, she’s well on her way to recovery. As if we weren’t being sill and laughing enough, it turned out that our server also had a trainee helping her out, and this led to further amusement. The trainee’s name was Orli. Dave made her spell it. She said it was Hebrew for The Light Within, or something like that. I couldn’t think of anything but the Orly nail products. Maybe it was the margaritas, but it all seemed so silly: the intense waiter, silly stories, the trainee. So toward the end of the meal Dave addressed Orli. However, he called her Harlot. It was sort of fast and quiet, and nobody said anything at first. Then Kristan says, “Did you just call her Harlot?” We all burst out laughing. Harlot? Really?

Dave explained later that he meant to call her Harley, but he realized at the last second that wasn’t right and somehow, unfortunately, it came out Harlot. I’ve nearly started laughing at inappropriate times for the past three days. All I can hear is Kristan asking, “Did you just call her Harlot???” followed by tons of laughter.